Always Wear Protection

Finally! I’m back. Took a short writing hiatus because I was so busy being busy.

I bet this title lured you in didn’t it? Don’t lie… Although I will be talking about protection, it’s probably not the type your dirty brain was thinking of.

If you follow me on any social media platform, you probably saw I was in Mexico recently. Wow, what a trip. I could write for days about everything I did but I’m going to focus this post on one thing in particular, my brother.

I love my brother dearly. I am very fortunate we get along and have as much fun together as we do. Colm, or as I call him.. Collieyum, and I are just two years apart. I think this plays into why we are so close as we have lots of things in common. However, being that close in age has its downfalls. Like everyone in Mexico thinking you’re dating.

Ok, first the protection story because I, personally, think it’s funny. On day two, Colm and I decided to take a trip out to the ocean to swim, take photos, hang out, whatever. What we didn’t realize was how freaking sunburnt we were getting. We get back to our room later that evening and Colm and I are both the color of a lobster. Colm decides he is going to shower first so he can then relax on the balcony with a drink. By the way, our room had liquor dispensers. It was awesome. So in our hotel room, all of the provided shampoos, conditioners, lotions, etc were Chi products. And in the shower, a “Thermal Heat Protection” was provided. Most of us women would know that’s for your hair..  So Colm gets out of the shower and is like “Man, I really think my sunburn will be gone by tomorrow. I put that thermal heat protection stuff all over my damn body.” I just kinda stood there and smiled and let him think his sunburn was going to evaporate. Y’all, internally I was dying with laughter. Bless his heart.

On another night, my family and I went to a Chef’s dinner show. At the beginning of the show, a volunteer was needed. My sweet, ever so kind, brother was pointing and telling the guy I wanted to go on stage. Which I did not. Two minutes later I’m introducing myself to a crowd of about one hundred people. Then I am asked if I am single. Mortifying. So now half of Mexico knows my relationship status. At the end of the dinner, three sexy Latino chefs came out to do a singing performance. One of the guys fills up a glass of champagne and starts walking towards me, while still singing, and hands me the glass. I’m obviously blushing thinking this is fabulous UNTIL he went to shake Colm’s hand. UGGHHHHHHHHH the guy thought we were dating just because we were sitting beside each other. Don’t worry though, I found him after the show and told him he missed my single announcement. Few things are better than a man that’s tall, dark, handsome, can cook, sing, and bring you champers. Swoon.

unnamed-4

Me on stage……

So my last little story about Collieyum is quite funny as well. However he doesn’t think so. Ok, so there is this epic, and I mean EPIC, club/show in Playa del Carmen called Coco Bongos. Google it. Colm did not want to go but I begged him to go with me because I didn’t want to go by myself, obviously. After a lot of persuasion (“Colm, you could find a hot Latina girlfriend there.”), I convinced him to go. Your ticket into this place included an open bar all night and bartenders just walk around with bottles of liquor pouring shots down your throat. Like everyone else on the trip, the bartenders just assumed Colm and I were together. So a tradition in this club is for the bartenders to put a shot glass in your cleavage. Unfortunately, Colm and I fell victim to this and next thing I know his head is being pushed into my boobs. Colm gets so pissed, rightfully so, and says, “For the last time, she is my f*****g sister!!”  By 1am, Colm was ready to peace out but we had no choice but to stay until 3am. Whoops. (He secretly had a blast.) Prior to arriving to the club, Colm and I shared a taxi with two couples, who we agreed to ride back to the hotel with as well. After we all get back into the taxi, one of the guys, who had way too much to drink, said to Colm and I, “Man, I just kept trying to find you two hoping you would turn into that brother and sister from American Pie.” LIKE WHO THINKS/SAYS THAT????? Colm and I just stared at the guy, like wtf, so weird.

Anyway, what a lovely trip it was my brother and family. We drank way too many cocktails, got too burnt, inhaled too much salt water, laughed too hard, and had one helluva great time. Despite Colm trying to throw me off a sailboat, run into me on a jet ski, get me way too intoxicated, drown me in a pool, and ruin my dating life. But thanks for keeping me entertained little brother.

My First Time

Hoping for a juicy sex story? Sorry, not sharing. However, yesterday was a day of firsts. Some might find the following story to be offensive.. some might find it to be empowering. You decide.

Yesterday I was talked into getting a full Brazilian wax. OH MY GOD. Do not ever listen to someone who says “it really doesn’t hurt that bad” because it does. That ripping/burning sensation is quite a feeling that’s hard to explain.

Ok, the story. I nervously drive to the salon and tell the lady “I’d like a wax.” To which she responds, “Ok, honey. Sit right there. Just your brow?” Oh. “Um no, like a wax.” Thank God she caught my drift. I was then led into a brightly lit room. Ten seconds later I’m lying on a table with nothing but my t-shirt and socks on. My legs are then maneuvered into awkward positions. Oh and the best part… the room has glass walls. At this point I’m sweating and practically shaking. The wax lady could obviously tell I was a little nervous so she reassured me with, “Don’t worry honey, I make your p*ssy look real nice.” I couldn’t decide what to do at that moment. Laugh? Cry? Leave? I didn’t really have time to think about it because at this point the wax is now being spread on me. Before I know it, my skin is getting ripped off of me.

So I’m lying there practically in tears while this sweet Vietnamese woman is telling me about her family while putting me through complete agony at the same time. I won’t go into too much detail about the actual process but a few minutes later I was counting my blessings that it was over. BUT IT WASN’T. I wasn’t informed that your rear ends gets a special treatment too. I will say though, it’s a walk in the park compared to the front. When I thought I was finally finished, I saw her take out tweezers. I nearly fainted. “I get the small hair for you.” Ok, do whatever you need to do. I have no feeling in my lower body anyway.

Now I’m laying there not wanting to move for a while. I then see her pulling out lotion. Again, no one told me that you get a nice little massage after. Which is weird. So so so weird. At that point though, I was accepting it. My mind was in a million places. “Honey, this take the red away.” After the massage was over, I was given her business card and that was that.

So by yesterday afternoon I’m feeling like I can conquer the world. I felt like a new woman. So I decided for a change. As most of you know, I have long, luscious blonde locks. I’ve had blonde hair for quite some time and wanted something a little darker. I went to Walmart and picked out a box color called “Chestnut Brown”. I was all excited about my new look, thinking it would turn out a nice, dark, “Chestnut Brown”….. I was wrong.

Because I have long, thick hair, I got my mom and one of her friends to do it for me. As the color is going on, I notice it’s VERY dark. So for the second time in one day, I’m feeling like I might faint. I’m thinking I have destroyed my beautiful blonde hair. So now comes the part for washing it all out. I’m on my hands and knees, feeling like a child again, as my mom helps me wash my hair. Well my hair certainly was not dark after it was all rinsed out. It was red. So I now have dark red hair. I’m looking in the mirror wanting to cry. What have I done?? My face is too pale for this hair color, I am an idiot, Oh my gosh- all these thoughts ran through my mind. I was going out for dinner last night (hot date-lol jk) so I obviously did my makeup. And to my surprise.. I kind of like the hair color. Looks bold and mysterious. So as of today, I still have the red hair. It’s slowly growing on me. No pun intended. Still not sure if I will keep it or go for the color I was actually trying to achieve.

So yeah, yesterday was quite an adventure. Lost some hair and got some hair. Lol, the jokes are kind of funny. My advice to all would be, just do it. Nike didn’t even pay me to say that. Change is good for the soul.

Have a great weekend my friends!!

 

Dating in 2016… A Nightmare.

Brace yourself folks.. this could be a long one. But, I think an interesting one. Lately, I have discussed relationships with a lot of people. Friends, adults, parents, my dog, everyone. It amazes me how differently people can view relationships. I don’t know much about them to be honest, but I do know one thing. They are **BLEEEEEEP’ed** up.

Since when did twenty-somethings become ok with abolishing dating? Does no one want to go out and enjoy someone’s company anymore? What ever happened to CALLING, ya know.. where you actually SPEAK to someone, to ask them out? Basically, technology has ruined everything. But hey, shoutout to the guys who do still call, because I know you exist. What happened to dinner and drinks though? Does that still exist?

Texting has destroyed us. People can say absolutely anything they want over a text message, but when it comes down to it, not many people would have those same conversations face to face. I think if you wouldn’t say it to someone’s face.. don’t text it. If you can be lovey dovey over a text, better be able to do that in person. If you can call me out over a text, hope you can do that in person, too. And this whole relationship phase of “well we’re texting” has got to go. You’re texting? Congratulations, I text my mom, too. Why is this a thing? What does “we’re texting” even mean? You text every day? You said you like each other over texting? Someone help me define this. Please.

Then we have Facebook. Ahhh. The power of stalking. Which has also ruined dating. People rule out potential soulmates just by going through someone’s profile pictures. “She’s too thick.” “He’s too short.” “He has too many girls in his photos.” Ok well maybe she works out and is toned. Maybe that “short” guy just has super tall friends. Those girls in his photos could be his sisters. My point is, people need to start giving people a chance regardless of their social media account. Be a kind human and draw your conclusions of someone after you have actually met them. In person. Like face to face.

Since when did liking an Instagram photo become the new flirting????? Did I miss this piece of vital information somewhere along the way? I promise I’m not trying to get with your boyfriend when I give him a double tap, I just think his photo is genuinely cool. People need to chill the heck out. People should be free to like whatever they want, whenever they want. Amirite??

Ok, so actual “dates”. HA HA HA. Asking someone to come watch Netflix with you, is not a date. At least I don’t think so. Not socially interacting with someone gets you nowhere. However, when I do agree to movies, I am agreeing to WATCH a movie. Whoever started associating movies with sex can go to hell. In the politest way possible. I love movies and think they deserve the time to be watched. But to those of you that do have nerves and actually ask someone out on a date, paaaalease be entertaining. I went on a date a few months ago with Mr. Swole Patrol who literally talked to me about how much he could bench the whole time. Never once was I asked a single thing about myself. I don’t even think the guy knew how to say my name. Needless to say, I faked a phone call from dad to get outta that one. I think I said he needed me to go shopping with him. LOL, as if.  If you’re gonna ask someone out, be interactive. Ask questions, tell stories, be somewhat pleasant. But your stories shouldn’t include talking about your hot hookups with random women. That’s an excellent way to get vetoed right through the door.

Ok so some open questions:
Should guys pay for dates? I don’t know y’all.. I’m iffy on this one. I think if a guy asks you out, and says “I would like to take you out” or whatever, then yes, he should pay. But if it’s a mutually agreed upon date, I think splitting is very fair. I think women should at least offer to pay for half. Thoughts? EXCEPTION: If my slice of pizza costs TWO DOLLARS, and you don’t offer to pay for it, I am going to question your gentlemanlike-ness. Is that mean? I don’t know.
Can girls ask guys out on dates? Um, absolutely. If you like a guy, he might like to know you want to hang out with him. I don’t think we live in a world anymore where responsibility is left to the male population.

Ok on to Snapchat. My blood is already boiling. I think sending snapchats back and forth is really cute/silly/flirty/ whatever you want to call it. What isn’t cute/silly/flirty.. “wanna send me something dirty?” Do some guys have absolutely no respect for women? And do some women have absolutely no respect for men? Like what in the world is wrong with our generation???? My most creative responses to this question… literally sending a picture of dirt, sending a picture of a naked Barbie, and sending a selfie of me with mom and dad.

Terms of endearment. Can guys stop referring to women as their (excuse the vulgarity) slampiece, b!*ch, side chick, 2am, or whatever other trendy words there are. Women.. this goes for you too. Calling a guy your f**kboi isn’t a loving term.

It probably sounds like I am anti-dating. Which I’m absolutely not. I enjoy going on dates, good ones that is, and I enjoy the excitement of relationships. I even thoroughly enjoy texting when it’s good conversations, not a label. It’s just the confusion about dating I don’t like. Are we something, are we not? Do you like me, do you not? I think I speak for all women when I say I would much rather be told “Hey, I’m not really feeling this”, instead of being ignored. Being ghosted is the worst. Fellas.. do you agree? I think this is a mutual feeling among all humans.

If you are happily in a relationship, I envy you. If you are happily single, I envy you. Pros and cons to both, for sure. And this is 100% two-sided. I think women are just at fault as guys. I get so scared talking to guys on the phone, and get nervous on dates. But the biggest thing to blame for all this…..technology. Kudos to all my fellow single friends out there. We are living in a tough world. So a huge shout out to Apple for causing this mess. You have singlehandedly made dating in 2016 a nightmare.

 

Dear March, You Are Awkward

I think this week will probably be one of the most difficult I’ve had in a while. Why you ask? Four things: Everyone is on Spring Break and I’m not, I get confused when it’s still bright out at 6, I can’t decide what to wear when it’s chilly in the morning but warm in the afternoon, and people really annoy me about St. Patrick’s Day.

Spring Break:
I’m not on it. It’s sad. Everyone is at the beach. It’s consuming my social media timelines. I miss college.

Daylight Savings:
Loving the extra hour in the evening. However, super confusing at first. Last night I was watching tv thinking it was 4 pm and it was like 11. It was strange. But brighter evenings means we are closer to summer and that makes me happy.

Spring Weather:
“Go home, you’re drunk.” How can anyone dress in this?! When I leave my house in the morning I need a light cardigan but by lunchtime I need a tank and shorts. Which is actually terrifying because I’m still in winter body mode. Like do I wear booties because they’re trendy but risk looking foolish in the afternoon? Or do I look like a complete idiot walking into work in sandals when it’s chilly outside? How can I make these decisions??? You know what else is hard during spring weather? The food transition. The change from chili and soups to salads and grilled foods is kind of hard. I would eat chili year round if I could. But are you supposed to just transition over a day? Or do you slowly start taking things away and adding new foods? Someone please help. I can’t wait for hamburgers on the grill though, yum. And for any confusion, tacos and pizza are year-round foods. This weather also makes work quite difficult. When it’s 75 and sunny the only place I want to be from 2 o’clock onwards is an outdoor patio.

St. Patrick’s Day:
Don’t even get me started…
When people hear my family (like my actually family) is from Ireland they get really excited to tell me their family is from Ireland too. So I always love to ask, “Oh really, like your mom or dad is from Ireland?” To which, I always get the response along the lines of, “No, my great grandmother’s uncle’s best friend’s cousin’s girlfriend’s step-mom’s sister’s neighbor’s brother was from Ireland.” Ok. We are done with this conversation. Unless you, your mom or dad, or your grandparents are from Ireland, please don’t tell me you are Irish. I also get this question all the time, “So do people have, like, red hair and pale skin?” No, they do not. Practically everyone in my family has dark hair and dark skin. And no, leprechauns don’t roam the streets.

Ok back to St. Patrick’s Day. People in America make me LOL. They make a bigger deal of SPD than Irish people do. People in Ireland do not wear nearly as much green as people do here, nor do they wear half of the amount of tacky paraphernalia. And the whole pinching if you’re not wearing green, not Irish. What is Irish though.. you guessed it, drinking. But people in Ireland celebrate by drinking authentic Irish beer, Guinness. Sorry people, Mic Ultra and vodka sodas aren’t from the motherland. Does anyone even know why St. Patrick is celebrated? If anyone can tell me without googling, I will buy you a Guinness. I guarantee if you asked an Irish person on July 4th what the celebration was for, they would know the answer. Clue: St. Patrick’s Day is not Irish Independence Day.

I do love St. Patrick’s Day though. And it does make me happy so many people want to celebrate. I admire your love and dedication to your Irish heritage. Way to drink for your ancestors! And there is more to the Irish than just drinking, I promise. They love their culture and are cool people. I’ll probably be celebrating my Irish culture with margaritas due to the lack of Irish pubs in Smalltown, Tennessee. Maybe they can dye them green. So Irish.

But I hope everyone has a safe and fun St. Patrick’s Day! And survives this weird week!

Sláinte agus póg mo thóin!

 

 

Home Alone 5

First off, can we please address the fact that there are FOUR Home Alone movies? Why there was even a need for the third, especially the fourth, is beyond me. However, Home Alone and Home Alone 2 are in my top favorite movies. Classics.

I created Home Alone 5. I know the Home Alones were based of a young child being left alone, but my experiences were just as traumatic at 23. I recently just survived the longest period of time being in a home alone. And it was quite the experience.

Before the rents left (rents = parents), they tried to convince me to put on the alarm. I said “definitely not”. My reasoning, I would be way more scared if the alarm went off than if I actually came face to face with a robber. Did I even bother to check and make sure all doors were locked? Of course not. When my mom got back, she found one of the front doors not just unlocked, but open. So I probably wasn’t even home alone to begin with. If you did break in to my house, thank you for not taking any food.

Speaking of food, my dad said he would leave me some money so I could get some food if I needed. Well obviously, you need food. Thanks for the kind gesture, dad. Apparently in his world you can feed yourself 11 meals for $25. Thank God my neighbors fed me for two meals otherwise I would have starved to death. To my mother’s defense, she did cook meals for me and freeze them. Thanks, Mom.

On my first night alone, I decided to hit the town. Being the responsible adult I am, I called a taxi. However, the taxi driver picked me up and dropped me off at the bottom of my street because there wasn’t a chance in hell I was letting a Cookeville cabbie even sense I was home alone. The cab driver probably watched me walk home anyway.

I was a little nervous walking into my house at 4am, but I thought Locho would be able to save me if need be. I was wrong. That dog wouldn’t even sleep with me. He acted way too cool for me.

0

“Leave me alone.”

Anyway, then I was even scared to get pizza delivered because what if the pizza guy could tell I was alone? What if when I went to Food Lion the workers there could tell I was staying home alone?! It was a lot to process but I gathered my nerves and ventured to Food Lion. Picked up the pizza though. Wasn’t risking that one. ‘

On my third day alone, I really considered painting one of my brother’s air soft guns black so I could at least pretend to be armed if I was robbed. I decided not to, but really wish I had when I convinced myself on the fourth night that someone was in my house. So instead of having a fake gun, I walked around the house protecting myself with a hot pink tube of pepper spray. Yeah, that would really scare someone off, I know. Pretty sure those sounds were all in my head.

I must admit, it was a little strange being alone in my parents’ house without them , but I did thoroughly enjoy the experience. And their wine. And them not being able to say, “Excuse me, what do you think you’re doing?”

Anyway…..

Home Alone 6: Coming Soon.

 

 

Why V-Day is the Best Day

We are four days out from the most ~*RoMaNTiC*~ day of the year.

Most single people dread Valentine’s Day. I love it. While everyone else is out eating at chain restaurants acting like they’re so in love with their significant other, you can find me happily at home eating pizza, drinking wine, and thanking the good Lord I don’t have to deal with that nonsense.

valentines-day-pizza

That might sound bitter, but I can ensure you it is 100% genuine. The Valentine’s Days that I have spent with someone have been less than par to say the least. I can’t even remember what I did which means it was nothing spectacular. I do remember the gifts I got and LOL. Since when did giving a pillow become a romantic gesture? I did get asked to prom on Valentine’s Day, which I still can’t decide if that’s cute or an easy way out? Anyway..

Last year I had this brilliant idea of going out to a bar on Valentine’s night. My thought process was that couples would be out at dinner and single people would all go out to the bars. I was wrong. The single men that were at the bars were not the type of men I wanted to be single with. So this year, I will be resorting back to the better idea of staying in and wearing my favorite pair of sweatpants and a nice comfy t-shirt.

Now, don’t be thinking I didn’t get any invites to do anything romantic. My sweet mother invited me to her and my dad’s Valentine’s Dinner party. Also trying to decide if that’s a kind offer or a stab to my self esteem. As tempting as the invite was, I politely declined. Somehow or another, sitting around a beautifully decorated table listening to 40, 50, and 60 year olds read their favorite love poem just doesn’t sound like my ideal Valentine’s night. So instead of sitting at the table downstairs, I will be hiding out in my room upstairs. With a pizza of course. I’m just trying to figure out how I am going to have pizza delivered to my house without my parents’ friends realizing I am there. Perhaps the pizza man and I could create a pully system outside of my window? Stay tuned for updates on that later. I’ll also help break up your social media timeline with a picture of a pizza instead of couples. You’re welcome.

My mom and I had a conversation about dating the other day and how different it is now compared to when she was younger. She was telling me how people would send each other Valentines cards and people would guess who they were from. I wish we did that now. Mom then went on to say how receiving a box of chocolates was a big deal. That’s when I said, “HOLD UP.” If someone sent me chocolates I would be kind of pissed knowing they could have sent me a heart shaped box of chicken nuggets from Chickfila or an Edible Arrangement of pineapple, which I love by the way. I think my mom was disgusted with me. I definitely felt judged. Maybe my secret admirer (my dad) will send me chicken nuggets. Speaking of secret admirers, I did receive a package last year for Valentines Day with some chocolate, a teddy bear, and a card. I was really excited for about 10 minutes until I realized it was from my aunt and uncle trying to make me feel special.

Perhaps the best part of Valentine’s Day is February 15, because OMG, all the candy goes on sale. Although I don’t like receiving candy as a gift, I do like to purchase it for myself. I will have a whole blog dedicated to buying Creme Eggs when we get closer to Easter.

I just have a hard time dealing with single people who complain about Valentine’s Day. Maybe if you weren’t so damn whiney you would actually have a date? Stop acting like it’s the end of the world. You aren’t just single on Valentine’s Day. You are single every day of the year. Sorry ’bout it.

So if you are single this V-Day, embrace it! You are young, wild, and free. Wear those comfy clothes, eat some pizza, whip out the wine, and get what you paid for on Netflix. Seriously, it’s way better than having to get dolled up for a night out at O’Charleys or Red Lobster if you’re lucky 😉 (Beyonce joke)

At least I love you. XOXO. Happy Valentine’s Day my lovers!

Superbowl 50: A Preview

Hello my football fanatics. Ready for the big game later? I don’t know if I’m ready for the game, but I’m certainly ready for the party. My Frisbie Lane viewing party is Mexican themed, obviously. Nothing says NFL quite like refried beans and margaritas. Amirite?????

I’m having a tough time deciding who to cheer for. If it’s Peyton’s last game, then I would love to see him go out with a win. However, I want to have bi-racial children with Cam Newton. So I really can’t decide. At the end of the day, it doesn’t really matter. I am just thankful we can all sit around and eat snacks. And drink margs.

Can we also talk about what happened to watching Super Bowl commercials DURING the game?? I feel like I have seen them all already.

Gotta admit though, pretty excited for the halftime show. I am a huge Coldplay fan. And Beyonce always performs well. My dad said “I heard her new song is very political”. If keeping hot sauce in your bag, slaying b!tche$, and taking your man to Red Lobster is political, then you do you, Dad.

Dad also came home with a new tv yesterday because he was worried ours would break during the game. Seems plausible. I’m just excited I get the old tv to put in my playroom so I can watch The Bachelor in peace without answering one million questions. Because remember, I don’t have cable in my room. I’m not old enough for that yet.

When I asked my mom who was playing in the Super Bowl she said, “The Denver Broncos, Peyton Manning, and Car.. begins with a C. Uh Newton. Don’t put that in your blog. Wait, Cam! Cam Newton!” I gotta say y’all.. I am thoroughly impressed. She needs to learn his name quickly because he’s about to father her grandchildren.

Anyway, I hope everyone has a wonderful Super Bowl Sunday! I’ll have lots of “Cooking With Lana” snaps later.

Peace and blessings, y’all!

“The Lord is my shepherd, and Peyton is my quarterback.”
To clarify.. this isn’t in the Bible. I saw it on a t-shirt.

Neighbors 3: A True Story

I am 100% confident my neighbors were sent to me from God.

They contributed to major events in my life such as getting my first iPod, a Mini, which by the way I had before they were even cool because that’s how ahead of the game my neighbors are, and my first cellphone, a beautiful LG Mint Chocolate.

In addition, they also taught me how to dance. So if you have ever had the privilege of dancing with me, you can thank them. Moves like that don’t come naturally. It’s a learned art form. They also introduced me to the wonderful world of hispanic food. LIKE OMG, they know how to cook. Their ceviche, beans, and tacos are out of this world. But most importantly, they taught me how to drink.

Because my neighbors are pretty much my best friends, I like to hang out with them on the reg. They invite me to the movies and over to dinner. We are pretty tight. But my favorite invitations are for margarita nights. Like last night.

Now let me tell ya, they sure know how to make a mixed drink. Last night at Bar Frisbie, nine new drinks were created. The best part about these creations is getting to name them. I think my favorite last night was Black & Blue. Or then again it might have been It’s Good. It’s actually hard to choose. As you would imagine, these drinks made me super chatty, loud, giggly, and an excellent dancer. Well, better than I was before. I can’t count how many times my mom had to tell me to lower my voice. Or how many times my brother would just glare at me. But whatever.

After consuming nine delicious drinks, it was only fitting to nom on some homemade tortilla chips with black refried beans and queso fresco, duh. unnamed-10

This was my brother trying to deal with me after the fact. unnamed-7

I genuinely feel sorry for people who don’t have neighbors like me. Which is everyone because no one has neighbors quite like mine. I actually consider them close family. For my birthday they made me frozen ice shots. Like who does that? My neighbors. They also have started a tequila collection for me. I sincerely love them. I know I can always count on them to play Cards Against Humanity with me or go to Cincos.

They are 75% to blame for all of my worst hangovers.

But I really do love them. My neighbors, not the hangovers.

 

 

The Granny Nanny

Now that the snow is gone, I’m pretty much ready for summer. However, spring will do. I can’t wait for tan lines, the lake, adventures, nights outside, and all that warm weather brings. Mind you, redneck sledding and hiking in the snow is pretty fun.

It’s hard to imagine a time when it was nice, sunny, and warm because it seems forever ago. BUT I was able to remember. And the first memory that came to my mind was a trip to Marbella, Spain this summer. But this was no ordinary vacation…

Most women my age get hired to nanny children. However, I was hired to nanny a granny. This was no mainstream granny though. This wasn’t even my granny, but I was “hired” to accompany her on her summer vacay to the Mediterranean.

You might be thinking babysitting a granny is a piece of cake. But let me tell you, you are wrong. My daily duties were tough. Sometimes I had to link arms with the granny so she wouldn’t fall on the slick boardwalk as we walked the coastline every morning. She even made me pour “juice” into water bottles so we could “sleep” easier on the beach. We had to hide our “juice” and sandwiches so we wouldn’t look cheap not buying from the beach restaurants. That granny is a sneaky lady. In addition, that woman even made me pour her stiff G&Ts every night, and prepare an assortment of olives and patanegra.

 

She also dragged me around to nice restaurants and cool markets. I mean how lame. Who wants to sit on the Med every night enjoying fine wine and tapas?

However, I was allowed time to myself when the granny was resting.

The granny and I also had some close encounters with the law. Yep, you read that right. The granny almost had the nanny arrested as I was buying illegal Ray Ban sunglasses from African men.

The granny was also determined to find me a man. I was determined to find her one. We both failed in that department.

Most people would be nauseated at the thought of spending a week with someone that is 40 years older than them. But to be honest, I would do it again in a heartbeat. I am forever thankful for the relationship built while granny nannying. I got to experience meaningful conversations, laugh a lot, cry a little, enjoy the finer things in life, and forget about the rest of the world for a while. It was a much needed vacation and I will forever cherish the memories.

So in case you are ever asked to granny nanny, take the offer!

How To Survive The 2016 Blizzard

Are you tired of bread and milk yet? Hope you took my advice and stocked up on the good stuff!

Was anyone able to hike to bars? Do snow donuts in parking lots? Meet up with Tinder matches? Anyone expecting a baby in late October? Keep me posted.

This has probably been the best snow we have had in a looonnng time. My house got close to 10 inches. Seriously insane for our neck of the woods!

unnamed

I hope everyone is managing ok during the blizzard and hasn’t gone crazy from cabin fever or over exhausted themselves from sledding. By the way, redneck sledding is the way to do it. That is some serious fun. Shoutout to my good friends on the farm!

I wanted to share just a few tips to help you survive The 2016 Blizzard in case you are struggling.

  • Showering doesn’t matter during the blizzard. I lost track of my days and therefore lost track of when I showered last. Embarrassed to admit how long I was able to make it… My legs were starting to resemble Locho’s. Yikes!
  • You haven’t changed clothes in days? No worries, neither have I.
  • Gaining five pounds is ok. Who eats healthy food during a blizzard? And if you really do, something is wrong with you. Live a little.
  • Don’t feel ashamed for watching an entire series on Netflix. That’s impressive.
  • It’s ok to post all of your snow photos to Facebook. Who cares if other people are sick of seeing all the snow? I think they look beautiful.
  • It’s also ok to continually check your emails to see if work (or school) is closed all of next week. Fingers crossed.
  • Basically, do whatever you want because snow like this won’t come again for quite a while.

Keep enjoying this awesome weather! I certainly am!